Aly Hawkins

We don’t know much about what went on the day after the good man died—actually, we don’t know anything, if we’re using a definition of the word “know” that involves textbooks, microscopes and math.

On the other hand, the people who experienced the horror of the good man’s death were people, and we know a bit about that. It’s easy to imagine how the man’s followers might have felt as they “celebrated” Shabbat on Saturday: confused, remorseful, disappointed, afraid. In my imagination they felt all this, but their deepest, most chilling feeling was abandonment.

The savior they wanted was dead. His death made room for the savior who is.

But they didn’t know it yet, just as I do not know the God who will show up after the God I want has left the building.

The God I want comforts me and smites my enemies because S/He is on my side. The God I want is amazed by how often I get everything right, and rewards me with cash and ponies and sunshine. The God I want is a Democrat, and sent Barack Obama to save us from the evildoers who do evil in His/er Name (and in the name of the United States of America, which is basically the same thing because they are misguided and wrong—did I mention they do evil?). The God I want fits quite nicely into the religious system I call my own, which is called “Christianity”; S/He follows all the rules we have set up in the system, because I don’t like surprises.

When the God I want dies (it happens often, and it’s never pretty), I feel confused, remorseful, disappointed and afraid. But most of all, I feel abandoned—which makes sense, because I have been abandoned. The God I want has left me alone to sift through snapshots of all the great times we had together, to grieve the loss of a great Pal and Ally who will never rise again.

With the death of the God I want, space is made for the God who is. But today, and on other days that feel an awful lot like Holy Saturday, I live in the vaccuum. The God I want is gone, and I do not know the God who is.

What happened on Saturday is happening in me.

Filed under: life, theology Tagged: | God's absence, Holy Saturday, idolatry, Jesus' disciples